Tag: doctors

Nightmares and demons and being picky

The last few nights or more I’ve been having nightmares of my step brother and sisters ex, them doing what they did again.

Then as I try to escape from them, I wake up in a hot sweat and cry.

So now I am becoming afraid to sleep, but I am so tired and exhausted. I’m frightened and I’m worrying even more.

Mum thinks it’s because of all the stress I am under with feeling pressured into work, as well the worry of my ESA being cut.

Iain Duncan Smith, this is what you are fucking doing to people. Thank you for causing these nightmares to come back, I haven’t had one for nearly a year and you have caused them yo resurface.

It’s scary. I won’t lie about, I thought about writing a poem or a short piece. However I know it will be too graphic to actually publish as a blog, and I don’t want to scare you good people.

Maybe I should send it to the Conservatives and see if it will make them squirm?

No they would probably like it.

And so I would like to apologize for the sporadic blogging and reblogging, I know I seem to be getting worse, and probably seeming more overwhelmed as usual.

Believe when I say I am, I haven’t even been able to get the motivation to do what I have said in other blogs.

So I would like to apologize sincerely and say I love you all very much, I might be picky at the moment, but I love all your blogs.

Still Oaks I am so sorry for not replying to your email or comment, I have downloaded the video but it doesn’t seem to be playing.

Sasson I will reply to your email soon too, and I’m sorry I haven’t replied sooner.

Thank you for putting up with me. 💖


2am ramble, worry, and thoughts

When are they going to stop, when is everything going to be back to normal?

I can’t take all this worry anymore, my mind keeps spinning and tired all the time.

Mentally and physically exhausted.

I lay here wondering when they are going to say, that work is the only way to get paid.

When they force me to go on a dead end job, with too much stress and hassle to actually help.

Will they try and make me do care, because I have done it in the past.

Will they try and make me do retail, that was the last thing I was doing before my breakdown.

Will there be supportive employers?

Probably not.

What employers want someone with mental health problems?

Please tell me?

All these questions go around my head, and then the voice inside my head the one sounds like me.

I’m better off dead.

I’m so wound up and angry, I’m so tense and full of worry.

My mum keeps saying wait until it happens, but I know it will.

Why does she keep saying that when she knows the answer?

I’m worried for my mum, she’s unemployed and looking for a suitable job for her age.

But no one is hiring, and she didn’t want to do retail, yet that is what she is applying for too.

She’s nearly sixty and I don’t want her to be treated like a slave.

I worry for my dads pension, and if that gets cut I don’t know how we will manage.

I want to have an assessment from the mental health team, but I know they will say that services are short and it will be a two year waiting list.

I’m already on a six month waiting list for CBT, two year list for psychotherapy, which I have had before and had the dame waiting list time scale.

If I go, meaning kill myself it will devastate my mum and dad, especially my mum. And I’m scared she might do the same thing along with my dad.

I’m frightened of the new WCA assessment, I’m frightened of maximus.

Frightened that my mum will be working to her grave.

Worried about my dad if that happens.

Worried that I am the problem.

Worried that I will believe the government when they say I am the problem.

And I have no idea what to do to stop this.

No idea how to get my mum not to take a slave labor job.

No idea how I can make everything better for my parents.

No idea why I am still here.