So yesterday, I went to my local jobcentre, a place I loathe more than life itself. I have never loathed anywhere more, school was bad, really bad. However I would rather go school than go to the job centre with the disgusting judgemental looks they stow upon you as talk to them.
We spoke to a front desk lady, who really looked bored out of her brain. Especially when the job centre doesn’t seem to be as busy as it used to be, with large crowds gathering in corners, waiting for their name to be called by an uninterested advisor. It was quiet, rather like everyone was afraid to speak, the loom of the great Iain Duncan sucking David Cameron’s dick there like an invisible force to be reckoned with.
We asked about the WCA appointment we were asking for, as it has been a month since we called them for a reassessment. As always she said there were no advisors available, which I take as, sorry but we really don’t care about your problems here.
She took my name, mobile, and National Insurance number, again in an uninterested way, and told us we would be receiving a call either later today or tomorrow. (Last Monday and Tuesday.)
We went home thinking nothing of it, I wanted to go back to writing some stuff for this blog, even though all my energy and no enthusiasm to write. My brain was saying write, write write, and my body was going NO! That’s one of the reasons why I have been pressing things from other sources, I just haven’t been in the mood or mindset to write.
The suicidal thoughts have been more dangerous lately, and the only way to curb them is to sleep, otherwise my brain is consumed by them creeping ever so closely to front of my brain. I’ve also had the dreaded cannot sleep at night, which causes my paranoia, in turn making me think it’s the end of the world, and I am evil and the spawn of the devil.
Getting back though to the story at hand, I sat looking at the computer screen, the WordPress new draft screen an empty canvas of thoughts and dreams, the blinking cursor magically disappearing and reappearing like an indicator on a car. And I couldn’t write anything at all, so I listed to some Let’s Plays by AgentJR on YouTube.
The phone rang with an unrecognizable number, so I picked up. We get a lot of those kinds of calls, especially from telesales and other places, trying to con you into buying something, or giving away your money to a pyramid scheme. Because of that, we usually leave the phone to go to voicemail, and nobody leaves a message. However because this was very important, and my mum was so insistent I picked up, it was an advisor from the JCP.
She was really nice actually, not what I expected, since all I know is the advisers from Maximus, who know fuck all about anything. She told me to get my doctor to write a letter to say how bad I have gotten since joining Maximus, and for me to write something to them too. She even gave me her number, and said I could ring her anytime. And if I came to the job centre, she would fax it over for us. Brilliant I thought, until I remembered that my doctor is hard to get to see, since she is so popular with all the patients.
Then that afternoon, as I was continuing to stare at the computer and fall asleep, there was a knock from the postman who gave me a large package from the DWP, my notes had arrived. I haven’t read them properly yet, but from what I have read, I was put into the WRAG Group in 2013, which is around the time when ATOS were being complete and utter wankers. It was the time when they were putting suicidal people through to WRAG Group. So I am going to be asking questions about that, because I wasn’t ready, and the people I have met in WRAG have all told me, I shouldn’t be there.
So now I need to read the box full of information from the DWP, which I am going to scan onto the computer to keep as evidence and to share with you guys. It might take me a while to do, but I will try and get as much done as possible, so you can see what they have said as to my assessment.
Later on that day, I received an email from Mind charity Legal team. They were sorry for the lateness of their reply, and wanted to know if I still needed help from them or not. I replied back with a very long and depressing tale of how things have been going since my first email, as in getting worse.
They replied back the very next day, with lots of information and help. Though I have not replied to them back as of yet, because of feeling really disgusting and horrible, nor emailed or called anyone. But I plan to Monday, mum will be home, and she said she would sit with me during these calls, except when I call or email the Samaritans, because there is too much I want to say that she doesn’t know about.
I’ll try and either capture the email, or copy and paste onto a new document. It might help you guys, and I always want to help people in a similar situation. So I decided to make another WordPress Blog, because I wanted to make a hub where people could get information on mental health, with all Trusts around the country, websites, forums, charities, and such. As well as laws, and people to contribute stories, and experiences.
I’m taking slowly because I don’t want to wear myself out too soon, plus I have some looking and experimenting to do with WordPress. But I’m hoping it will be a place where people feel safe, and where they don’t feel alone, as well as a hub of information to help.
I would also like to say Hello to my new followers and welcome. As well as to say Thank you to my long running followers for their patience and kindness.
You’re all awesome!