Tag: Family

Nightmares and demons and being picky

The last few nights or more I’ve been having nightmares of my step brother and sisters ex, them doing what they did again.

Then as I try to escape from them, I wake up in a hot sweat and cry.

So now I am becoming afraid to sleep, but I am so tired and exhausted. I’m frightened and I’m worrying even more.

Mum thinks it’s because of all the stress I am under with feeling pressured into work, as well the worry of my ESA being cut.

Iain Duncan Smith, this is what you are fucking doing to people. Thank you for causing these nightmares to come back, I haven’t had one for nearly a year and you have caused them yo resurface.

It’s scary. I won’t lie about, I thought about writing a poem or a short piece. However I know it will be too graphic to actually publish as a blog, and I don’t want to scare you good people.

Maybe I should send it to the Conservatives and see if it will make them squirm?

No they would probably like it.

And so I would like to apologize for the sporadic blogging and reblogging, I know I seem to be getting worse, and probably seeming more overwhelmed as usual.

Believe when I say I am, I haven’t even been able to get the motivation to do what I have said in other blogs.

So I would like to apologize sincerely and say I love you all very much, I might be picky at the moment, but I love all your blogs.

Still Oaks I am so sorry for not replying to your email or comment, I have downloaded the video but it doesn’t seem to be playing.

Sasson I will reply to your email soon too, and I’m sorry I haven’t replied sooner.

Thank you for putting up with me. 💖

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Dear Iain Duncan Smith

Dear Iain Duncan Smith or your real name DR DEATH,

How can you justify cutting WRAG ESA claimants money to incentivized the ill, disabled and vulnerable?

What we need is more support to get into work, but you are cutting those too aren’t you, you disgusting excuse for a human being.

Do you know how harmful this is going to be? No because you don’t care, and you have an echo chamber of yes people which include Gideon Osborne and David Cameron.

Let’s just say DR DEATH, there are going to be more blood on your hands, thicker amounts that sticks to everything you touch.

I know you probably think this is a lie, or I’m treating you. But one day you will wake up in the morning and won’t be able to shake those thoughts from your mind, you will never have that feeling go away either.

There are people like myself who are on the brink of taking their own lives because of the pressure, good people who have done nothing wrong.

You are going to let them die of starvation and illness, you are going to cut off money that helps them pay rent and live safely.

The weird thing is, that I believe you feel food banks are good because of your slogan We’re all in this together’ which is complete bullcrap and you know this.

However you don’t care, because they don’t need your unearned money, it justifies your slogan, and lastly it is somewhere else you can bully people into work.

You sir are a sick and twisted individual, along with your Tory mates who bode the same in my opinion.

And now I am going to get personal with you, not in any way that involves me being anywhere near your disgusting self. But as in why this could be the last straw.

I already feel pressured into work, been feeling this way since starting with Maximus. But right now my mental health has declined so much, that I am starting to want to cut myself and kill myself.

You would know nothing about that would you, because you just think I am taking this, like you see everybody on ESA.

I have strong painkillers that I am holding on to, I even have a small will. And no I won’t let you touch any of it, or take any money. Because you don’t need it, my family need it more than you.

But getting back, everyday I wake up and a little bit of fight dies inside. I want to kill myself, I feel useless, I feel pressured and exhausted.

I sleep because it helps, and because I am so exhausted. But when i do, I see you and your friends faces laughing at me.

So now my paranoia is even become worse, I think everyone is laughing and the voices are starting.

How are people like this meant to work?

But we can’t get any treatment, because you royally dismantled the services available. A two and a half year waiting list, and that is if there are people who are not at the top of the queue because they are much worse than me.

So how are people meant to get better?

You don’t want them to, do you? You would rather see them suffer?

You and your friends are narcissistic psychopathic sociopaths, you are not humans but are disgusting and a disgrace to the human race.

I hope you enjoy hell when the time comes?

2am ramble, worry, and thoughts

When are they going to stop, when is everything going to be back to normal?

I can’t take all this worry anymore, my mind keeps spinning and tired all the time.

Mentally and physically exhausted.

I lay here wondering when they are going to say, that work is the only way to get paid.

When they force me to go on a dead end job, with too much stress and hassle to actually help.

Will they try and make me do care, because I have done it in the past.

Will they try and make me do retail, that was the last thing I was doing before my breakdown.

Will there be supportive employers?

Probably not.

What employers want someone with mental health problems?

Please tell me?

All these questions go around my head, and then the voice inside my head the one sounds like me.

I’m better off dead.

I’m so wound up and angry, I’m so tense and full of worry.

My mum keeps saying wait until it happens, but I know it will.

Why does she keep saying that when she knows the answer?

I’m worried for my mum, she’s unemployed and looking for a suitable job for her age.

But no one is hiring, and she didn’t want to do retail, yet that is what she is applying for too.

She’s nearly sixty and I don’t want her to be treated like a slave.

I worry for my dads pension, and if that gets cut I don’t know how we will manage.

I want to have an assessment from the mental health team, but I know they will say that services are short and it will be a two year waiting list.

I’m already on a six month waiting list for CBT, two year list for psychotherapy, which I have had before and had the dame waiting list time scale.

If I go, meaning kill myself it will devastate my mum and dad, especially my mum. And I’m scared she might do the same thing along with my dad.

I’m frightened of the new WCA assessment, I’m frightened of maximus.

Frightened that my mum will be working to her grave.

Worried about my dad if that happens.

Worried that I am the problem.

Worried that I will believe the government when they say I am the problem.

And I have no idea what to do to stop this.

No idea how to get my mum not to take a slave labor job.

No idea how I can make everything better for my parents.

No idea why I am still here.