This is one of the hardest things i’ve ever done, really it is and I have done done a lot of things. I have never been great at asking for help but I am slowly learning to. I have no idea how this is going to go or how to approach this request so i’ve opted for sharing my heart, but could I please have a moment of your time. My name is Trudi, and I am 32 years old. I am currently living with my parents due to having mental health problems, severe anxiety, agoraphobia, severe depression; and I have had a physical nervous breakdown seven years ago. Eight years ago I was made redundant due to structural changes at my old job, which was actually a good thing, because the manager was trying to get me out of the store and was bullying me, using my mental health problems as an excuse. She made me sound like I was losing my mind, at the time I was having a very bad bout of depression. A year later, I went for a job as a carer, I had previously worked an obtained my NVQ 2 in care. Unfortunately as I was going for training, before starting as a carer, I suffered a nervous breakdown. At the time I didn’t know what it was, I had just woke up one morning unable to walk, and in constant pain all over. I went three years of hospital appointments, trying to work out what it was, going through tests from the job centre and Work Capability Assessments, before the doctors of the Neurological hospital next to Great Ormond Street Hospital told me it was in my head from being sexually abused by my step brother and sexually assaulted in 2007 by my sister’s then boyfriend. It was the way they said it, that made me fight harder, there was no compassion or emotion in their voice, just “It’s in your head!” I went to many other doctors, even to Bart’s hospital, where I saw a ME Specialist psychiatrist who wrote that I made inappropriate jokes, when all I said was something about myself, but therapists can be that way sometimes. I should go back and explain a few things first, in 1999 I was 16, I told a teacher about the sexual abuse I had suffered from age 11 to that time. I had therapy until 19, but at that time they did not have the services they have now, so I was told I was okay. So we never got to talk about the real gritty stuff that happened, or how my depression rules my daily life. 3 years ago, I got the therapy for the abuse and sexual assault, though it took two years to get any help. My therapist who was NHS, only had a little time to get me better, because there is such a waiting list for the service. Thought it helped address some things, and I can walk and move normally, I still feel pretty bad, and as though I am to blame sometimes. 2 Years ago I went to a Work Capability Assessment, and even though I said I was suicidal, they passed me as being able to work. I was then transferred to Maximus, where it was okay in the beginning, but then they started to ramp up the pressure to work. I have always had anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia, and it has always been a problem. I have the tendency to blackout when I go out on my own, or get overwhelmed, or both. They also made me go to these weekly workshops, where they kept on about barriers, but never actually addressed them, just kept plugging that we need to go to work, work will set you free. So now, having my last appointment ever, and worrying about the future of what is going to happen next. I don’t want to come across as a victim, I’m a survivor of this. I just worry that this will be misconstrued as victim playing. I just wanted to explain my experiences with mental health and mental health trusts during my journey of trying to be as normal as I can possibly be, and be an independ person while also helping people who are being let down by the system too. The government have never really addressed people with long term mental health problems, I want to help. I have always had a passion for psychology, but thought that with my mental health problems it would never be possible to do, as well as not being very good at school. But I have always liked helping people, and making people’s lives a little better. Due to my own experience with mental health, knowing how exhausting it can be hunting for information about services, and charities, especially for those who have mental health and their family members. As it can make you feel as though it is a hard time getting the support you need, where you feel you are not ill enough to get the assistance. I made this site for the core reason that I think finding out about mental illnesses, your rights, and contacts can be a very long struggle. All the sites and charities don’t list many places that isn’t theirs, and most of them are not directly near where you live. I would like to raise some money for a new computer, at the moment I have a very old laptop I am working from, which is 7 years old and very slow and is incapable of doing more than one or
Tag: Health Servicers
SJW’s are moving onto mental illness, they are making videos on how society doesn’t get them, and how people are romancing it on social media platforms and media. However, they are the ones romancing the health condition that can be very disabling, so why are they being this way?
When all these social justice whiners, upper middle class girls tell you that they have a mental illness, and she knows the struggles, I have to laugh.
Firstly, you don’t need to use the NHS nor do you have to worry about health insurance, meaning you are not on a waiting list of 2 and 1/2 years to see someone. In the UK, a board of professionals in your local mental health trust now determines who deserves services. Nor are you going to be left because you cannot afford medical bills, or can only use their insurance in only certain hospitals or clinics.
Secondly, you have probably never had doctors or people tell you that it’s all in your head, nor have you had to research for services, because there are not enough services.
Thirdly, your therapist is probably telling you you have these things to get more money out of you. So they diagnose you with everything, and keep you in a state of I do have something wrong with me. Whereas the NHS therapist, are desperately trying to find ways to say you are better, because they have a whole waiting list of people, and the manager needs to hit targets. Leaving you to survive on your own, until you can get your doctor to actually write to the trust again, about needing therapy again.
Do you understand now why people get pissed off with you, why I want to make a channel on YouTube? Because this has been my whole life struggle with mental illness, nobody doing anything, and just being pushed pillar to post. Having people give me the million mile stare when I bring it up, and basically having to disguise it.
Therefore, Upper middle class girls with Twitter PTSD, living in your nice expensive flat, and many job prospects. Trying living in the under classes.
I’m doing it for everyone, I’m doing it because people with REAL mental illnesses who are not able to talk about their mental illnesses, have trouble finding jobs, are being social cleansed by the government, and have never had the help they need. More than that, I want to bring solutions, practical and effective to make people’s lives better.
But you, you are making it seem like a fairy tale.
If you would like to donate to my crowdfunder: https://gogetfunding.com/computer-for-working-at-home-and-to-help-people-with-mental-health-problems/
Every donation helps, ever share and like is also wonderful too.
“I suppose when you find yourself frequently envisioning what you’d talk about at your first therapy appointment, it’s probably time to look for a therapist.”
I’m frightened, really frightened of this new nudge thing the government are using to experiment on the sick and disabled back to work.
My doctor is fabulous when it comes to my depression or anything I may have, she’s been with me every step of the way concerning getting my physical breakdown diagnosed. She’s been trying to get me higher on the therapy list, and finding alternatives.
I haven’t seen her in a while, and I do need to make an appointment because I think I need stronger antidepressants and to be referred to the assessment team.
But what I have heard about Nudge, it sounds like they are getting doctors involved to find you fit for work, as well as invading in on privacy.
Already feeling pressured to go back to work, and this news makes me frightened and absolutely petrified that they are going to put me in any old job and expect me to work.
I’m afraid of having another breakdown, and then being told I still need to go to work.
A lot of stuff is going around and around in my head, and I’m exhausted from it. I don’t want feel this way, but for me this is a normal part of my life worrying about things.
Not that I don’t want to go back to work, I just want to do it when I am ready. And find a job that is going to be supportive with my needs, and I don’t think the government want that to happen.
They are just going to make us do workfare, this is all just to make us slaves instead of depending on them.
And what about if I need a day off because I am in a bad way depression wise, are they going to make work through that or make me lose my job and be forced into JSA or some kind of reprogramming programme.
It sounds like they are not giving us all the details, and there are more sinister things ahead. As if they have plans for horrible things to happen if you don’t comply, and I’m guessing these involve no money, starving to death, prison, concentration camps.
I’m still suicidal and I want to get out of here, but at the same time I know this is what they want from me.
There is the fact that I to fight them, only I am so exhausted, and as u have said before I am loosing a little bit of fight everyday.
I don’t know what I can do to help stop this, I want to though.
Dear Iain Duncan Smith or your real name DR DEATH,
How can you justify cutting WRAG ESA claimants money to incentivized the ill, disabled and vulnerable?
What we need is more support to get into work, but you are cutting those too aren’t you, you disgusting excuse for a human being.
Do you know how harmful this is going to be? No because you don’t care, and you have an echo chamber of yes people which include Gideon Osborne and David Cameron.
Let’s just say DR DEATH, there are going to be more blood on your hands, thicker amounts that sticks to everything you touch.
I know you probably think this is a lie, or I’m treating you. But one day you will wake up in the morning and won’t be able to shake those thoughts from your mind, you will never have that feeling go away either.
There are people like myself who are on the brink of taking their own lives because of the pressure, good people who have done nothing wrong.
You are going to let them die of starvation and illness, you are going to cut off money that helps them pay rent and live safely.
The weird thing is, that I believe you feel food banks are good because of your slogan We’re all in this together’ which is complete bullcrap and you know this.
However you don’t care, because they don’t need your unearned money, it justifies your slogan, and lastly it is somewhere else you can bully people into work.
You sir are a sick and twisted individual, along with your Tory mates who bode the same in my opinion.
And now I am going to get personal with you, not in any way that involves me being anywhere near your disgusting self. But as in why this could be the last straw.
I already feel pressured into work, been feeling this way since starting with Maximus. But right now my mental health has declined so much, that I am starting to want to cut myself and kill myself.
You would know nothing about that would you, because you just think I am taking this, like you see everybody on ESA.
I have strong painkillers that I am holding on to, I even have a small will. And no I won’t let you touch any of it, or take any money. Because you don’t need it, my family need it more than you.
But getting back, everyday I wake up and a little bit of fight dies inside. I want to kill myself, I feel useless, I feel pressured and exhausted.
I sleep because it helps, and because I am so exhausted. But when i do, I see you and your friends faces laughing at me.
So now my paranoia is even become worse, I think everyone is laughing and the voices are starting.
How are people like this meant to work?
But we can’t get any treatment, because you royally dismantled the services available. A two and a half year waiting list, and that is if there are people who are not at the top of the queue because they are much worse than me.
So how are people meant to get better?
You don’t want them to, do you? You would rather see them suffer?
You and your friends are narcissistic psychopathic sociopaths, you are not humans but are disgusting and a disgrace to the human race.
I hope you enjoy hell when the time comes?
Sorry for the lack of blogging and reblogging yesterday, I had such an awful day.
It was one of those days when you feel surrounded, and not only that, but people are laughing at you.
My paranoia has been slowly getting worse since joining Maximus, Mind are right, it does does make people with mental health problems worse.
I didn’t even play in my dungeons and dragons group last night either, I just was quiet and let everyone else do what they had to do.
The government have no right psychologically torturing people, especially those with mental health problems.
They take away our treatment, they make us do WRAG Workshops that adresses nothing. All because they want more money, in Gideon’s case, more money for drugs.
I like many with mental health problems are nearly ten seconds away from ending it all, we’re unwell and feel we have nowhere to turn to.
It’s as if we are being punished for what we have wrong with us, like they want us to work away our conditions, because apparently work cures all.
It amazes me how much the Tories are still in the dark ages when it comes to mental health, are they really that thick or is it ignorance?
I have I no idea, however what I do know is that I am losing my fight. Today I have a little fight, but yesterday I lost all hope.
I did comment on one blog post, which I think might be relevant here, and sorry if this blog sounds rude.
All I want in life is to be as independent as I can, have a supported housing, and a job where I won’t be stigmatized with someone going to and from work with me.
I know this probably sounds like a waste of tax payers money, and rather selfish.
I know the Tories would make it seem that way.
The Tories are evil, they sold their souls to the devil ages ago. We need to get them out now!
So today was another visit to see my Maximus advisor, this time without mum’s protection. Mum hasn’t been feeling too good, and has had tooth ache all week so got an emergency appointment. That appointment being the same time as mine, so I went in 30 minutes early.
I was greeted at the reception by the woman with no heart or soul, who asked about my my mum. Why? I have no idea, but don’t think this is the end.
I waited for Mr Loveman, who was surprising not with a customer or doing anything constructive. A man that claims he has back to back customers, and here he is just sitting around talking to the ladies.
While waiting there was only me and this other customer waiting to be seen by another advisor, he was stuck to his phone staring at it while his fingers furiously tapped away.
There I was sitting there looking at my phone wondering whether it was safe enough to take pictures of the place to show you guys, along with the propaganda hung around like reminders that you will be finding a job, even if it is not the right one for you.
The heartless and soulless kept shouting across the room to remind the Loverman exactly what he was meant to do, and that is to see customers. However being the suave guy he is (not), he kept talking to the ladies.
By 1:50pm – when the ladies had to go, and had collected at least 30 papers from him, he called me over. When I say called, it was more of ‘oh god it’s her again’, at least it felt like that.
We ran through the same things, he tapped the keys on the computer very slowly. He wrote how I was sending CV’s for retail shops, and handing CV’s out to local shops. (I didn’t even know I was doing that, do I have a clone or something?)
He asked how my mum was doing? Not me, but my mum.
He booked me in for next week, Friday this time, because he is so full up.
As he was about to get rid of me, and sigh after dealing with one of his most difficult customers because I have so many barriers.
I asked him what that survey I had over the phone was about?
He in Mr Loverman smooth stylie, or what would be normally called trying to hard to remain normal. He told me that Maximus head office ask every PG6 Customer to do one.
Now when he said that my first thought was ‘More likely Iain Duncan Smith wants them to do it, to prove that they need work to get better’.
As I said yesterday, it is the same test as the NHS Choices Wellbeing questions, and I scored very low. I was also told on the site that I need to eat more healthier and exercise.
So I think Iain Duncan Smith as thick as two planks he is, thinks he can use this to determined whether people need work to keep their wellbeing.
After the Maximus propaganda and him smiling his gold teeth at me, trying to be nice. He didn’t really understand the test, just what Maximus is feeding him. I decided to tell him that it was the same test on NHS Choices for Wellbeing.
Being the thick dope he is, he laughed and said, ‘Oh, Maximus must have stolen it from there’. I just smiled politely.
Then he went on about me doing voluntary work, how only doing 1 day a week, or 2 half days would be the thing I need to get me back into work. Now I know that they use voluntary work as a way to say you are fit for work, so him saying that didn’t surprise me. But he wants me to be ready soon.
Got out 1hr and a half later, after waiting for mum and dad. Which did not go too well, but she did get her tooth taken out.
Mum said next week, she is coming with me. We are going to print my barriers out, fill in forms, and phone for an assessment and for an appointment with my doctor. This week has been rather mad, with my mum unwell with a cold and her tooth playing up. She wants to ask what work he has, that will take someone like me on?
But I am worried, for all the fun I am taking out of Mr Loverman, I am frightened of being sanctioned. I am worried about being pushed too far, and having to get a job, and then ending up having another nervous breakdown.
If I have another one, who knows whether I would be able to claim again, or if they would find me fit for work.
I do have my supplies ready though they are ready for when the time comes. I’m ready for when the shit hits the fan, and I am deemed fit for work as a slave.
But the time isn’t yet, I don’t know when but dear readers I will miss you all when the time comes.
So I looked up the wellbeing test and found it is the NHS one, I took it quickly and it says I need to exercise and said nothing about people who have always been depressed as per normal.
I get the feeling they don’t think we exist outside of having bipolar, because I can’t count how many times I’ve been told I am not depressed or that I have never always been depressed.
Here’s the link to the test http://www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/Wellbeing-self-assessment.aspx
I am getting so fed up with this, how the hell do you get the energy or motivation to exercise when you wish you were dead?
I eat fruit, and it is not helping me much. So do I have to think positive too?
Again how can you, when you wish you were dead, or killed yourself when you were at school?
I feel I need to advocate people with long-term depression, because I am fed up with hearing this rubbish. I did used to exercise, but in no way did it make me feel better. Maybe temporary, but not not as much the as the NHS would tell you.
It is really misleading, because it makes people think that it will cure it, bu it won’t.
I’m sorry for ranting and thinking I am the expert of depression, but I know how it affects my depression. And I hope it helps you understand your own, because I believe we all have different depression. Either chemical based, inherited, from experiences, and other reasons. So no two depressions are the same.
Again sorry for sounding like I am an expert.
I don’t think the test covers everything that is associated with depression, or other symptoms.
When are they going to stop, when is everything going to be back to normal?
I can’t take all this worry anymore, my mind keeps spinning and tired all the time.
Mentally and physically exhausted.
I lay here wondering when they are going to say, that work is the only way to get paid.
When they force me to go on a dead end job, with too much stress and hassle to actually help.
Will they try and make me do care, because I have done it in the past.
Will they try and make me do retail, that was the last thing I was doing before my breakdown.
Will there be supportive employers?
What employers want someone with mental health problems?
Please tell me?
All these questions go around my head, and then the voice inside my head the one sounds like me.
I’m better off dead.
I’m so wound up and angry, I’m so tense and full of worry.
My mum keeps saying wait until it happens, but I know it will.
Why does she keep saying that when she knows the answer?
I’m worried for my mum, she’s unemployed and looking for a suitable job for her age.
But no one is hiring, and she didn’t want to do retail, yet that is what she is applying for too.
She’s nearly sixty and I don’t want her to be treated like a slave.
I worry for my dads pension, and if that gets cut I don’t know how we will manage.
I want to have an assessment from the mental health team, but I know they will say that services are short and it will be a two year waiting list.
I’m already on a six month waiting list for CBT, two year list for psychotherapy, which I have had before and had the dame waiting list time scale.
If I go, meaning kill myself it will devastate my mum and dad, especially my mum. And I’m scared she might do the same thing along with my dad.
I’m frightened of the new WCA assessment, I’m frightened of maximus.
Frightened that my mum will be working to her grave.
Worried about my dad if that happens.
Worried that I am the problem.
Worried that I will believe the government when they say I am the problem.
And I have no idea what to do to stop this.
No idea how to get my mum not to take a slave labor job.
No idea how I can make everything better for my parents.
No idea why I am still here.