Tag: suicidal

WRAG Group Session worries and Tired Rambling

Tomorrow I have group session, and I’m not very excited about it. Mainly because I get this feeling they are going to sprouting off propaganda the government has told them to say.

How we must look for jobs or volunteering work, come in everyday, or our benefits will be stopped unless we go in for workfare.

I know that this i a why to tell you that you are fit for work, but I’m scared this is going to be forced upon us.

Mum mentioned today how she wants me to change to support, or even go for PIP and she be my carer. But I don’t think that will be possible, since I can walk and I only have mental health problems. You can work.

I think Iain Duncan Smith and the DWP will not agree with that.

Another things is, this is making me worried because I have no idea what this is about and there is nothing on the letter to indicate this. I want to cut and take lots of pills, so I can go to sleep and not wake up. I am so worried, and I am scared that they will not be taking that into account, that they will pressure me and pressure me until it is too late.

Though it has been a few days since my MP wrote back saying she will take my case, I am scared Iain Duncan Smith will dismiss my claims and call me an attention seeker. And then I will have to look for work anyway.

He isn’t exactly a man who is careful with his words concerning claimants of any kind, and he I think he utter detests people with mental health problems.

I am scared.

I am also sorry for not reblogging very much this weekend, or putting up the template for the MP letter for you all, I have had those days where I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day. Racking my brain over Tomorrow’s proceedings, and wondering if this is the end of my what Tories call Cushy Lifestyle.

I had my friend over today, which was nice. We talked about everything, our worries about tomorrow tomorrow and his WCA on Thursday. Though I could not do this everyday, it was a very much needed break and I he felt the same way about it. It is just so stressful at the moment with the government and their obsession with taking important services and money away from disabled people, because they think we were the ones to make the deficit.

I love all your blogs, and I think you are all wonderful inspirational people that deserve to be read. I’m sorry for not sharing your blogs with others, and being selfish in the way I am at the moment.

Or emailing people like I promised.

Thank you for your understanding and patience.

My worries about project nudge.

I’m frightened, really frightened of this new nudge thing the government are using to experiment on the sick and disabled back to work.

My doctor is fabulous when it comes to my depression or anything I may have, she’s been with me every step of the way concerning getting my physical breakdown diagnosed. She’s been trying to get me higher on the therapy list, and finding alternatives.

I haven’t seen her in a while, and I do need to make an appointment because I think I need stronger antidepressants and to be referred to the assessment team.

But what I have heard about Nudge, it sounds like they are getting doctors involved to find you fit for work, as well as invading in on privacy.

Already feeling pressured to go back to work, and this news makes me frightened and absolutely petrified that they are going to put me in any old job and expect me to work.

I’m afraid of having another breakdown, and then being told I still need to go to work.

A lot of stuff is going around and around in my head, and I’m exhausted from it. I don’t want feel this way, but for me this is a normal part of my life worrying about things.

Not that I don’t want to go back to work, I just want to do it when I am ready. And find a job that is going to be supportive with my needs, and I don’t think the government want that to happen.

They are just going to make us do workfare, this is all just to make us slaves instead of depending on them.

And what about if I need a day off because I am in a bad way depression wise, are they going to make work through that or make me lose my job and be forced into JSA or some kind of reprogramming programme.

It sounds like they are not giving us all the details, and there are more sinister things ahead. As if they have plans for horrible things to happen if you don’t comply, and I’m guessing these involve no money, starving to death, prison, concentration camps.

I’m still suicidal and I want to get out of here, but at the same time I know this is what they want from me.

There is the fact that I to fight them, only I am so exhausted, and as u have said before I am loosing a little bit of fight everyday.

I don’t know what I can do to help stop this, I want to though.

I know know what the wellbeing test is.

So I looked up the wellbeing test and found it is the NHS one, I took it quickly and it says I need to exercise and said nothing about people who have always been depressed as per normal.

I get the feeling they don’t think we exist outside of having bipolar, because I can’t count how many times I’ve been told I am not depressed or that I have never always been depressed.

Here’s the link to the test http://www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/Wellbeing-self-assessment.aspx

I am getting so fed up with this, how the hell do you get the energy or motivation to exercise when you wish you were dead?

I eat fruit, and it is not helping me much. So do I have to think positive too?

Again how can you, when you wish you were dead, or killed yourself when you were at school?

I feel I need to advocate people with long-term depression, because I am fed up with hearing this rubbish. I did used to exercise, but in no way did it make me feel better. Maybe temporary, but not not as much the as the NHS would tell you.

It is really misleading, because it makes people think that it will cure it, bu it won’t.

I’m sorry for ranting and thinking I am the expert of depression, but I know how it affects my depression. And I hope it helps you understand your own, because I believe we all have different depression. Either chemical based, inherited, from experiences, and other reasons. So no two depressions are the same.

Again sorry for sounding like I am an expert.

I don’t think the test covers everything that is associated with depression, or other symptoms.

Is positive thinking Iain Duncan Smith’s cure for depression and everything?

I get the feeling I have found Iain Duncan Smith’s cure for depression and all illnesses. Positive thinking.

My ESA advisor at maximus would say the same thing to me, but when you have depression, it’s hard to think that way.

I worry about everything and everyone, I can worry for the whole country and this never stops. There are short moments, but my life consists of me worrying and having depression.

Depression isn’t about feeling down, it is like never having a break from feeling like you are not worth anything. I find it hard to explain, and I can’t describe everybody’s depression because it is all different.

But I don’t want to do things, if I am really depressed I sleep all day. I just feel like I’m here but different.

My baseline mood can be quote jolly, but the depression is still there and can bubble up whenever it feels like it. Just like the suicidal thoughts, they never go away either. It’s just some days I wonder if I should have when I was at school.

But positive thinking, I’m fed up with that phrase. Those two words make me want to rip the person that says it tongue out.

How the hell will that cure depression?

Is that like thinking your way positively out of poverty?

Who the hell is giving the Tories these ideas? Because they do not found qualified to make such a statement. I cannot count how many people who are ignorant to depression have said that.

My maximus ESA advisor thought my whole thing was that I have low confidence, which I admit I have but is not all of my problems.

I made a list of my barriers yesterday, and well I have a lot and thinking positively won’t help.

As I am sure many people with severe depression will agree, positive thinking will not work.

Iain Duncan Smith, I would love to talk to you about this. You are the reason people are depressed now, and why people with depression already are even more depressed.

You and your party are a joke, you are all just a bunch of privileged bastards. Maybe you should check your privileges, like the social justice warriors say.

Because you have no idea what you ate talking about. Positive thinking does not cure all, if it did then there would be no need for medicines or doctors.

But I get the feeling you just don’t want disabled and depressed people using the health service. And this is a cheap and rather easy solution for you to come up with, since I guess you need more money for your pensions right?

Plus you think it looks good for your already doctored figures on employment.

The dreaded Thursday Maximus appointment and my own selfishness.

Even though I feel well, I’m still frightened. I know I am writing things down and getting appointments with people set up, which will help. But I still have this dread, the dread that my money will be stopped if I do not comply, the dread that he is going to make me look for voluntary work and say it is mandatory.

This being something they can use to say I am fit for work.

Everything feels like it is going to be a long road, and even though I am sort of okay at the moment, doesn’t mean I thinking it would be best to just get out of here while I can choose to.

I’m also kind of down because I still do not have enough money for my new computer, I’m trying to save every little bit I have left. I imagine my old computer is going to die a painful death before I get one, and yet the government could buy thirty Apple computers and still have enough to pay for polo.

It’s fucking sick, I mean how I am moaning about getting a new computer when there are people and children dying of starvation and me here whining about a fucking expensive computer.

I am as bad as them. I’m sick like them for thinking that way. I’m being a selfish bitch.

Maybe I am the one who should be starving to teach me a lesson for being so selfish?

I’m sure Mr Loverman and the Tories would give me the punishment I need to reform from such thoughts.

The thought of going into a charity shop and serving people causes me anxiety, I have done retail before in Homebase where I was doing office work and on the shop floor.

I didn’t mind serving customers, I just did it because I had to. I was always polite and happy to see them, however I hated it at the same time.

If they want me to do something for charity, and I am guessing again that the charities ate getting a cut from the government for hiring volunteers from the job centre and Maximus and others. Just like the supermarkets, and the money is going straight into the CEO’s and shareholders pockets.

I thought about making cards for extra money, or making some and selling them so the money goes to charity. The problem is, I would be caught by Iain Duncan Smith and is that money really going to the charities.

Just like the whole sanctions and people having to go to wonga, which I reckon in my tin foil hat are getting money from.

I get the sense that I am kind of being greedy with the whole computer thing, and maybe my money saved would be better spent on helping others.

Why do I feel so guilty?

Getting back, I don’t know what kind of work I could do with all my barriers, or if the all mighty powerful Mr Loverman can find produce such a magnificent thing.

I know one thing, and that is I am not ready for work. People who have mental health issues know when they are ready, Iain Duncan Smith should not be allowed to decide.

Apologies for not blogging much


I just want to apologize for not being very active, I have a cold and am feeling super unwell.

The other reason is because I have been tempted to cut and take a whole load of codeine. I’ve been very lazy and staying in bed, not wanting to do anything.

I have been forcing myself to try and find a way out of getting a voluntary job too, and it that is just exhausting.

I changed the layout and design because I wanted a change, but even that did not distract me from those feelings.

I’ve been so overwhelmed.

I’m sorry, I still have all your blogs saved in a folder ready to reblog, I’ve just had enough.

I am sorry if I have upset anyone, been rude, or very selfish.