Tag: worrying

Do attend tomorrow at 14:00pm

Good news and bad news.

The good news is I have an appointment to see Mr. Loverman, on a day I can take my mum.

The bad news is that I was only told 5pm tonight via text message, and in my notes my ESA advisor wrote down in front of me on my profile thingy, that I have severe anxiety and cannot cope with the unexpected. Meaning sending me an appointment the day before is bad, and more than likely to make worry.

So now I am panicking, which if they had a job in worrying and panicking I would have the qualifications for, and be damn good at.

It’s already worrying to think this guy is going to ask me about going onto voluntarily work, and how it will be helpful.

Unaware that I actually don’t feel comfortable facing people at the moment in a customer based way, I would rather be in an office on my own getting on with things.

Or being able to do to a full day twice a week. I would rather do a few hours once a week or something, but I guess Iain Duncan Smith lordship of employment knows best. Right.

Then there is the worry of my good friend and fellow blogger @theyallhavewidescreentvs, who has a WCA next week and is now making me wonder when mine is coming.

Thank god my mum is coming again, and we’re going to be asking questions about things. Well mum is.

I’m going to take my barriers with me tomorrow for him to look at and sign, and I am finally going to post off my SAR form when we go shopping.

I will write tomorrow about what is happening, and keep you all up to date.

My worries about project nudge.

I’m frightened, really frightened of this new nudge thing the government are using to experiment on the sick and disabled back to work.

My doctor is fabulous when it comes to my depression or anything I may have, she’s been with me every step of the way concerning getting my physical breakdown diagnosed. She’s been trying to get me higher on the therapy list, and finding alternatives.

I haven’t seen her in a while, and I do need to make an appointment because I think I need stronger antidepressants and to be referred to the assessment team.

But what I have heard about Nudge, it sounds like they are getting doctors involved to find you fit for work, as well as invading in on privacy.

Already feeling pressured to go back to work, and this news makes me frightened and absolutely petrified that they are going to put me in any old job and expect me to work.

I’m afraid of having another breakdown, and then being told I still need to go to work.

A lot of stuff is going around and around in my head, and I’m exhausted from it. I don’t want feel this way, but for me this is a normal part of my life worrying about things.

Not that I don’t want to go back to work, I just want to do it when I am ready. And find a job that is going to be supportive with my needs, and I don’t think the government want that to happen.

They are just going to make us do workfare, this is all just to make us slaves instead of depending on them.

And what about if I need a day off because I am in a bad way depression wise, are they going to make work through that or make me lose my job and be forced into JSA or some kind of reprogramming programme.

It sounds like they are not giving us all the details, and there are more sinister things ahead. As if they have plans for horrible things to happen if you don’t comply, and I’m guessing these involve no money, starving to death, prison, concentration camps.

I’m still suicidal and I want to get out of here, but at the same time I know this is what they want from me.

There is the fact that I to fight them, only I am so exhausted, and as u have said before I am loosing a little bit of fight everyday.

I don’t know what I can do to help stop this, I want to though.

2am ramble, worry, and thoughts

When are they going to stop, when is everything going to be back to normal?

I can’t take all this worry anymore, my mind keeps spinning and tired all the time.

Mentally and physically exhausted.

I lay here wondering when they are going to say, that work is the only way to get paid.

When they force me to go on a dead end job, with too much stress and hassle to actually help.

Will they try and make me do care, because I have done it in the past.

Will they try and make me do retail, that was the last thing I was doing before my breakdown.

Will there be supportive employers?

Probably not.

What employers want someone with mental health problems?

Please tell me?

All these questions go around my head, and then the voice inside my head the one sounds like me.

I’m better off dead.

I’m so wound up and angry, I’m so tense and full of worry.

My mum keeps saying wait until it happens, but I know it will.

Why does she keep saying that when she knows the answer?

I’m worried for my mum, she’s unemployed and looking for a suitable job for her age.

But no one is hiring, and she didn’t want to do retail, yet that is what she is applying for too.

She’s nearly sixty and I don’t want her to be treated like a slave.

I worry for my dads pension, and if that gets cut I don’t know how we will manage.

I want to have an assessment from the mental health team, but I know they will say that services are short and it will be a two year waiting list.

I’m already on a six month waiting list for CBT, two year list for psychotherapy, which I have had before and had the dame waiting list time scale.

If I go, meaning kill myself it will devastate my mum and dad, especially my mum. And I’m scared she might do the same thing along with my dad.

I’m frightened of the new WCA assessment, I’m frightened of maximus.

Frightened that my mum will be working to her grave.

Worried about my dad if that happens.

Worried that I am the problem.

Worried that I will believe the government when they say I am the problem.

And I have no idea what to do to stop this.

No idea how to get my mum not to take a slave labor job.

No idea how I can make everything better for my parents.

No idea why I am still here.